Hangover Cures by Been Reed.

So you got really drunk on Friday night and you’re laying in bed with a hangover reading this. So here’s what you do

You read the Beer Fest recommendation list and tried them all and then tried some more, didn’t you? Yah, me too. And you didn’t drink enough water, you mixed your alcohols, didn’t eat enough and it’s just too late. Now what? Don’t worry, here’s what you do with your Saturday. This is from the official “Hangover Cures” book so it’s totally legit.

Alternate between these three shower settings. Photo courtesy of Cera Elite Shower

Go take a shower, right now because you stink

Then come back and read the next step. No, you’re not going to get hydrated through osmosis, your skin is not a big crazy sponge because science. It’s just that you kinda smell bad right now and you probably slept in a weird position so your muscles are tense and sore and everything hurts. Take a hot shower and use that weird hard stream setting to massage your neck. You’ll feel better. Take some aspirin and bring a gatorade into the shower with you.

Put on some sweats and go for a walk with another gatorade

Put on your sunglasses first, maybe two pair. It doesn’t have to be a long walk, just to the end of the driveway or maybe go get some mail. If you can take a walk around the block then you get to pat yourself on the back and brag about how much better you are at life than everyone else.  Show off. You need oxygen and fresh air, get outside and breathe. Try to block out the sounds of birds chirping, those loud asshole birds.

Chapel Tavern’s Bloody Mary. Courtesy of Digiman Studio

It still hurts? Okay, time for Hair of the Dog and brunch

It’s time to eat some food and another drink, it’s the only way this will work out in the end. Here’s a few places I recommend with handy links to their Yelp pages (I’m too tired to make maps for you right now).

• Noble Pie Parlor (opens at 10 a.m.): Noble Pie Parlor makes fantastic brunch pizza and has a make-your-own-Bloody-Mary-bar. You’ll probably totally screw up the Bloody Mary but that doesn’t matter because you still can’t taste anything.
• Chapel Tavern (opens at 10 a.m.): Chapel has the sexy looking Bloody Mary pictured above and a bunch of other spring cocktails if you already ate cereal (or got breakfast at 2 a.m. at the Eldorado)
• Pho 777 (opens at 10 a.m.): If you’re still downtown and need a bucket of Vietnamese brothy goodness, then drown yourself in some pho. Order any strong drink from their cocktail menu, probably full of rum, and you’ll be fine.
• Los Gallos Taqueria: If you want Mexican, head here for a big bowl of Menudo. Order tequila, it’s the only thing Mexican restaurants serve anyway and it’ll totally make your hangover better (and by better, I mean worse).

Good luck, don’t call me.